Hello? Can you hear me? Lost connections during COVID-19
You and me. We're humans. And because we're humans, we're wired to be social by nature. We're healthiest and happiest when we can be with other people, create community and connection with each other, and build relationships.
This is really where technology saves the day! Right now it's giving us some great options for connecting with folks we can't see in-person (even if they live down the street). But just because I'm incredibly grateful for Zoom, Houseparty, Google Hangouts and FaceTime, that doesn't mean they're perfect platforms. I keep finding myself vacillating between absolutely loving zoom calls one day and then loathing them the next. Feeling particularly exhausted after a zoom call the other day, I started wondering why I felt so drained. Video calls are awesome, right? What was I finding so challenging? And maybe most importantly, was something missing? And if so, what could I do about it?
Of course I knew what was missing. I think all of us do. Video calls are a blessing in a time of quarantine but they're not a replacement for being in the same room as someone. There's actually a study from the early part of the 20th century that looks at crazy high infant mortality rates in hospitals and orphanages. Even though the little cherubs had everything they needed in terms of food and medicine, most of them were dying or growing up with significant physical and psychological issues. So, what the heck was going on? What did they need that they weren't getting? I'll tell you what they weren't getting. Well, I'll tell you what Henry Bawkin, MD said they weren't getting. They weren't being touched and they weren't being held in order to prevent disease and infection from spreading. Basically, babies couldn't thrive (or sometimes even survive) due to emotional deprivation.
The point is, we need connection to survive AND our ability to connect has some parameters right now. It's a both/and situation. What you can do and what I can do are probably a little different (city rules, family dynamics, etc.), but what we both can do is pursue higher quality connections over lower quality ones as much as possible. Here's what I mean:
Roommates: If you're fortunate to live with another human being (roommates, family, your partner) right now, make sure you're spending some quality time with them. If it's safe and appropriate to do so, sit next to them, hold their hand or give them a hug.
Neighbors: Chat through a fence, catch up across balconies and stoops, gather in a driveway (6 ft apart with masks on) and connect with your community. We see this happening when we go for walks around the block and have heard some touching stories of this in high-density cities like New York and San Francisco.
Video Chat > Calls > Text: There's definitely a hierarchy for quality of communication in the virtual world. The more information you can have access to, the richer the connection is. Getting to see and hear someone is better than just hearing them. Hearing someone's voice, inflection and intonation is better than reading their words in texts (or emojis!).
And some final words of wisdom...
If you're catching up with a group of people on video chat, try to keep it small.
JOMO still applies in the age of COVID-19. Experience the Joy of Missing Out and say no to calls, group chats, virtual game nights if it's just not the right time for you.
When you can, commit to higher quality time together in-person. Opt for a board game, cooking something new together, or a joint house project instead of watching a movie or reading the news next to each other on the couch.
Okay, your turn!
Pick a relationship, any relationship, that you'd like to improve. How can you up the quality of that relationship? Figure out one thing you can do this week that would improve the connection you have to that person. Ready, set, go!
